When I look at an order of nachos I see an endless galaxy of flavor potential in front of me, just waiting to be consumed and turned into an endless galaxy of goop in my guts. Others, not so much, and that’s why we’re here today. Yes it’s another year, it’s another person using nachos as a weapon in an attack. What a time to be alive.

Detroit. That should be explanation enough right there AMIRITE??? Anyhow, in an incident aboard a bus, a woman attacked the driver, proceeding to beat and drag them from their seat. To make matters worse, this was while the bus was in motion, but fortunately it came to a stop in an empty lot and not a convent or something. However, to make matters even worse, the woman initiated the fight by, not first throwing a punch, no, but instead the order of nachos she was eating at the driver. This was truly a no win situation for everyone and everything involved.

I have to assume that using nachos as a weapon was the result of a crime of passion and not forethought. Throwing nacho chips isn’t like throwing ninja stars, it’s more like throwing a warm handful of frozen leaves covered in goop, more annoying than dangerous. If you’re going to fight with Mexican food, instead you should try…

Burrito: Large and dense. Like getting hit with a football. Somewhat effective.
Chimichanga: Also large and dense, but also deep fried. Like getting hit with a deep fried football. Also somewhat effective.
Deep Fried Ice Cream: Perhaps the densest of the Mexican food, even more so if frozen. Like getting hit with a candle pin bowling ball. If you are getting a Deep Fried Ice Cream that is closer to the size of a baseball or softball, you need to go to a better Mexican restaurant. Extremely effective, if you have some method to keep frozen.
Bag of Avocados: Much better than a bag of guacamole, which is about as good as a bag of flan, which is not good. You could do some real damage with a bag of avocados. Most effective, if you can find a Mexican place that will just sell you a bag of avocados. Or just a bunch of avocados if you bring your own bag.

I guess in this world it is too much to ask that people not fight in general, and probably also too much of an ask for them to not fight with food. But with nachos? Is this poor world to irrevocably broken that even nachos can’t catch a break? I wish every night that my children can grow up in a world without senseless violence against nachos, but will it happen? Only through your hopes and prayers could we be lead into this glorious future, so never give up, never stop, and never use nachos as a weapon. Thank you and God bless.