I am a human. A human who likes, nay, loves, nachos. This makes me the best kind of human around, one with a good taste in things that taste good. Listen, I could type you out a history of the nacho, how Ignacio Anaya created them back in 1943 to appease some ravenous ladies who descended on his restaurant, how the food came to the US and became all the rage, but that’s all stuff you can read about other places on the site, such as under the F.A.Q. section. The number one thing that matters is that nachos are delicious. Whether you are young or old, famous or infamous, proletariat or bourgeoisie, grotesque or arabesque, nachos are the food for you and your loved ones.
So why should I be the one to write about nachos? You have doubts about my bona fides? Would me mentioning that I graduated top of the class from the Culinary Department at Miskatonic University sway you any? No? Geez, what's with all these questions? Where is the trust?
Well how about this, is this your license plate? Definitely not if you live in Massachusetts, that's for sure. If you live somewhere else, possibly, and I would love to meet you and discuss. If not don’t give me any excuses about how it would be if you had a car, if you cared about nachos as much as me you’d buy a car just to get this plate, unless you were in MA of course, in which case you'd be out of luck. When I picked it up at the DMV the angry lady behind the counter actually smiled when she gave it to me. I thought I was imagining things too, but that's correct, a DMV employee actually smiled.
Nachos truly do make miracles come true.
But I digress, here is my nacho resume:
- I've been eating nachos since I
was a small child with the teeth to chew them. Prior to that my parents ground them into paste so I could still consume them. There's obviously an untapped market in nacho baby food that someone should get on. I'm talking to you Gerber.
- I’ve eaten nachos in more than a dozen countries on no fewer than four continents. Or is it no less than four continents? I think you get the point.
- When you were writing essays on relevant things in class, I
was writing ones specifically to work in things completely irrelevant to the subject of the essay, like nachos, or H. P. Lovecraft. Why my professors still gave me good grades on them I'll never know, they must have been something just oddball enough to make their days.
- I've fought with restaurant managers over trying to get a nacho banner they had displayed outside the building. Granted they didn't give it to me, but hey, I tried. No thanks to you 99 Restaurant company. I'm sure you've got a Raiders of the Lost Ark warehouse somewhere just filled with nacho banners that will never again see the light of day.
- I've questioned waitress upon waitress as to whether their nachos were a good pile of chips, just four artfully arranged ones on a plate, or, even worse, a pile of chips with the toppings for nachos separate from them, because chips and dip aren't nachos.
- If I had a full back tattoo it would be Ralph Fiennes' one from Red Dragon, because it's bad ass. However, if I had a second back it would be of a gigantic plate of nachos. You know, something classy like a prison tattoo. Something Danny Trejo would have.
If those qualifications, plus a doctorate in nachonomics (both macro and micro) don't convince you, frankly I don't think anything is going to and we're both going to have to agree to disagree on the matter and leave it at that.
And I’m not alone. I’m Hannibal Smith and I’ve got a crack team of nacho experts at my fingertips because Hannibal’s on the jazz. That's from The A-Team, I'm not just going off on some strange ramblings there. Between us we’ve got over 75 years of nacho experience, twenty of them from our Mr. T analog alone and we’re all guilty of crimes we didn’t commit. Crimes against nachos of course.
So is my daredevil team of nacho experts with nothing to lose (obviously, experts with nothing to lose are the only kind of experts worth having) and I worthy of your reading? I'm going to say yes, but of course I'm biased as hell. You be your own judge, but I don't think you'll be disappointed. And really, where else on the internet are you going to be able to read about eating nachos in space or consuming the largest restaurant sold order of nachos in the United States? Realistically some other place might, sure, but trust me, our info is like our favorite nachos, five star all the way.
Nachonomics. We're in the business of nachos.