“Dude, you never guess what I seen!”
“Bra, what is it?”
“Yo, I went to this restaurant and the first thing I seen on the wall is a poster about jackin’ off yo!”
“Bah, no way!”
“Yes way, and right next to that is a big ol’ one about a big ol’ RACK of ribs!”
“Dude, that doesn’t seem out of the ordinary.”
“Naw man, when they were saying RACK what they were really implying was some BIG OL’ TITTTAAAAYYYYSSSSS!!! You know I likes lookin’ at some BIG OL’ TITTTAAAAYYYYSSSSS when I’m scarfing down on some ‘chos!
“Bro, I don’t know if I can bring my gammy to a restaurant, no matter how good the nachos are, if there are signs about talking impolitely about a woman’s mammaries or the act of masturbation.”
“Nnnaaawwww, they don’t say nothin about no beatin’ no meat, they call it “pulled pork”, you see, it’s a metaphor yo. A METAPHOR!”
That in a nutshell, no pun or metaphor intended, is pretty much my problem with Smokey Bones. As good as their nachos are, and they are quite good, there’s a level of douchiness inside that turns me off. While a Hooters, Tilted Kilt, or any other “Breasturant” comes in at an A on the douchemeter, this regional BBQ chain comes in at around a C, definitely Bro-lite. This is a shame considering that Hooters has to make up for its subpar food with a little T&A while Smokey Bones is seriously good enough to stand on its own without the oily veneer of salaciousness. Most of their menu is fire themed: Long Island Lighter Fluid, Dragonslayer, Fire Starters, Southwest Scorcher, and you know what’s way cooler than a semidouchey restaurant? A restaurant all themed around lighting stuff on fire. I know I would much rather go to that place.
But as of now that awesome establishment doesn’t exist, so you’ll have to settle for getting your nachos at Smokey Bones, something I would highly recommend. Douche-core aside, these guys make some damn fine food. I do have to say that while they neglected to include the shredded lettuce as promised in the menu the fact that it came with scallions instead is easily twice as good. Even more than twice as good as that however, the pulled pork. I frequently go on and on about how buffalo chicken is the epitome of nacho meat, save chupacabra of course, but there are times that pulled pork is a close number two, or even a number one. When you would rather just have a plate of that than the nachos, it’s a number one, and Smokey Bones’ pulled pork is a number one.
If there was a complaint about them, the nachos I’m talking about here as I’ve already established that the overall restaurant douchiness is subpar, it is that there isn’t quite the right ratio of toppings to chips. This is a frequent problem with places serving large orders of nachos, which in itself isn’t an issue, but requires a much more careful monitoring of the ratios, sort of the inverse of a large saltwater fish tank where the salinity is harder to mess up the larger it is. Overall though I would definitely say check them out, just don’t bring your gammy, church pastor, or any other kind of uptight or easily shocked individual. While Smokey Bones might not be Guy Fieri’s first choice of restaurant, it could easily adapt, and take that as the warning it is intended to be.
