In this world there exist creatures of such might and power that they are only spoken of in whispered legends: the Leviathan of the Bible, Loki’s Fenris Wolf, the tri-head that guards the underworld Cerberus, man’s search for God allegory Moby Dick, the fearsome Tarrasque, Jaws. Along with these beasts there also exist foods of a nature so epic that they can only be eaten to be believed: Big Pie in the Sky Pizzeria’s Carnivore Challenge, the Sahara Hotel and Casino’s Big Badass Burrito, the mess of fries and smoked meat hoagie that is Papa Bob’s Bar-B-Que Ultimate Destroyer Challenge. All these however are just foothills when compared to the prime dish of Tio’s Mexican Cafe, the geological apocalypse known only as Mount Nacheesmo, the five pound mountain of nachos.
Imagine a platter larger than a pizza pan and twice as strong, and visualize that covered in nachos. Now imagine that on top of those nachos there is another pile of nachos, and on top of that another pile of nachos, and on top of that sour cream, guacamole and a lake or queso, as though the crater of a dormant volcano had become filled with cheese. Lastly, imagine that in your belly. Salivating?
If you are foolish, or brave, enough to order the full five pound serving it will ring up at a mighty $40, but single, reasonable, servings can be purchased for the devilish price of $6.66. Not being able to pass up a chance to consume the largest commercially available nachos in the world I braved the hordes of Wolverines from the nearby University of Michigan and took the foolish five pound option. One bite into it though and I wished I had five stomachs to eat it all.
If Mount Nacheesmo went through a black hole it would probably come out into the alternate dimension at the other side larger than when it went in, as its the densest nachos I’ve ever had. The typical large nacho problem of ratios of chips to toppings being off was nonexistent here as every inch of it was covered with something fantastic. The skill of layering the meal so that every piece of it was a microcosm of the whole was a work of art befitting Michelangelo, if his medium had been chips and toppings instead of paint and clay. I doubt even the mighty Ignacio Anaya would have been able to hold back a tear upon seeing what his creation had evolved into.
But as I’m fond of saying, if I want to eat a piece of Mexican art I’ll eat a Frida Kahlo painting, so, looks aside, how was it? Easily a thousand times tastier than Self-portrait with Thorn Necklace and Hummingbird, the most delicious Kahlo work, and contained far less paint. With all the meats and toppings working together in harmony it was like every bite was from a different order of nachos, a different DELICIOUS order of nachos. I tell you, if more nachos incorporated different blends of meats and cheeses, there would be a lot more dancing on my tongue. Tongue dancing BTW, a very salubrious sensation.
Previous to this I would have to have said my favorite nachos were an as yet not reviewed order of the buffalo style at a local restaurant, but sadly I have to pass that torch to this nacho Nidhogg. If you’re going to be the biggest you might as well be the best, and I only wish that like that mighty dragon of yore I could have eaten it all. Also that its 700 miles away makes getting it again rather difficult.
Oh yeah, and if you somehow can manage to Eat The Mountain (which should be their slogan for it) in under 45 minutes you win a free shirt and your picture on the hall of fame. If you can’t you get your picture on the wall of shame, where it rightfully belongs. More on that next time...