I know what you’re thinking here. You expect a bunch of low hanging fruit Taco Bell jokes, cheap, E. Coli, diarrhea low hanging jokes. Fortunately we are so far above that here that we’re not going to even mention any (Until Part 2 of our Epic Taco Bell review) because this isn’t that kind of review. As the world’s dominant Mexican fast food chain I knew I would need at least two, or maybe more, visits to taste their offerings. I drove down to my local Taco Bell/KFC combo and didn’t even make it through the front door before I saw this:

Because portability has been the bane of nachos since time immemorial.

This is how I imagine that Taco Bell food ideas are generated:
(1) Taco Bell Agents break into psychiatrist offices and examine their case files to find super anxious people.
(2) They track the anxious individuals down, break into their houses in the middle of the night and chloroform them.
(3) The innocent person awakes in an underground bunker to find a stranger wearing a decapitated pig head and pointing a gun at them, screaming at the anxious person to name all the Mexican foods they can think of.
(4) The victim pees in fear as they cry out “NACHO! BURRITO! CHURRO! ENCHILADA!”
(5) The Puppet Master Chef behind the one way glass observing all this writes on a notepad and heads to El Eldritch Kitchen to craft the abominations.
(6) The Beefy Nacho Burrito is released in restaurants. The Crunchy Churro Enchilada is still being summoned from the Dark Realms.

Frankly though, none of this matters. Me seeing this Mexican Chimera was like a man who had just crossed a desert seeing water (And we’re assuming here that he didn’t have anything to drink as he crossed the desert), it absolutely had to be consumed. I immediately ordered three.

Don’t Google “flaccid” when trying to make a burrito analogy, or at all.

I was hambre like the lobo, so the first Beefy Nacho Burrito (BNB) went down no problem. It tasted exactly like how you’d expect it to taste, like Taco Bell and chips. On a positive note, despite being soaked in cheese/beef/sour cream juice in the tortilla the chips were still crunchy. On a negative note, let’s discuss the necropsy I performed on the second BNB.

You can clearly make out the Cheese Gland and Sour Cream Bowel, as well as the disparity between the Beef and Chip humors.

As you can see, basically they just changed the chip to beef ratio on their smallest nacho and threw it in a tortilla. If that’s your thing then you’ll be all set, but I like my nachos in proportion. Food companies like to throw around the word “nacho” when describing foods with chips in them the same way I like to throw around the word “dynamic” when writing a resume. But just like me describing my daily collating job as dynamic doesn’t make it so, spilling a few chips into a burrito you’re making doesn’t make it a nacho. Taco Bell could have just taken their standard nachos and just put them in a tortilla and it would have been delicious, but instead, to their detriment, they just made a burrito and added a couple of chips to it. Granted, if you were reading Burritonomics they probably would have been complaining about how many chips were in this tasty burrito, but we’re Nachonomics, and that’s not how we roll. “Nacho” has become a buzzword and we all know what it means when you use it as an adjective, that it’s not really nachos. It only matters when it’s used as a noun.

In the upcoming Part 2 of our Epic Taco Bell review, we will be looking solely at the noun nachos they sell, examining the four different types that are currently served at The Bell (Volcano, Bellgrande, Supreme, and Pestilence) and how they rate nachowise. Since my idea of anxious torture think tank probably isn’t how foods get created, what comes next for hideous non-nacho Taco Bell food hybrids? Only one human, Reza Farazman at Poorly Drawn Lines, knows...

Rumor has it that the ideas came to him in a dream, and the next morning the bedroom smelled mysteriously of cheesy crunch.

“But,” you say, “you said you ordered three BNB’s, what happened to the last one?” Well I did eat the third one, however it was so tightly wrapped that when I bit into it the sour cream/nacho cheese thickly burst right through the wall of the tortilla like a lanced boil and landed on the table with a smelly beef plop. I managed to prevent my gorge from rising, but was unable to finish the burrito after that. You don’t need to order three BNB’s people, two is quite enough, and really only if you enjoy a Taco Bell burrito and are too lazy to eat your chips separately.