Chances are that if you are a nacho fan over the years you have encountered this here gag gift, either online or perhaps in person, from renowned Seattle based novelty merchant Archie McPhee. It’s lip balm. Nacho flavored lip balm. Forget Burt’s Bees or whatever other kind of name brand lip balms there are out there, because I certainly did, along with my mind when I decided to put this on my actual lips.
Now Archie McPhee actually no longer sells this item, possibly due to them needing extra inventory space to stock tiny hands to stick on your fingers, derpy cat ornaments, inflatable wizard hats for cats, squirrel in underpants air fresheners, plastic screaming pickles, gravy candy, overalls for wine, inflatable beards made of bees, inflatable toupees, slicey the pig dashboard wigglers, emergency toilet seat covers, underpants for your hands, and giant ears among thousands of other items. While it may now be impossible to get them through legitimate means off of their website, to those in the know with their ears to the ground and knowledge of the “Orange Market”, many nacho related items of questionable legitimacy and legality can be procured, if the price is right of course. For me, when it comes to reviews of obscure nacho products probably no one else will be able to get, no price is too high.
Nacho Lip Balm (Nacho Cheese Flavored) is not to be confused with the special Simpson Collection line of MAC lipglass color “Nacho Cheese Explosion”, despite the fact that the containers are rather similar and you put them both on your lips. I tore open the container, voiding any value it might have as a collector’s object, opened the tube and twisted up the balm. My hands shook in anticipation as I raised it to my lips, closing my eyes to ready my remaining senses for a nacho cheese flavored delight...
...but instead what I got was nothing. No flavor at all. It was as generic as the most generic lip balm you can imagine. Now I have no idea how old this stuff might be due to the circuitous route it took from the shelves of a warehouse through the hands of blind beggars, the dark streets and back alleys of Bangkok, and numerous shell corporations before reaching my lips, but I suppose it is possible that it could have lost some flavor along the way. All flavor though? No idea. From looking at the packaging it was listed as being manufactured almost 6 years ago, and that might be a stronger reason for it to have reverted from possible nacho goodness to blandy blandolaville. I’ve had some disappointments in my life, but this is truly up there.
Good people, there is only one obvious course of action. Nacho Lip Balm must return to the shelves so nacho lovers the world over can not only taste nachos when actually eating them, but also when they are not eating them! This is why I am proposing the hashtag, #BringBackNachoLipBalm, and have created a petition at Change.org to encourage Archie McPhee to bring back Nacho Lip Balm. So please let them know that while Slicey the Pig is awesome and I will personally be purchasing one soon, Nacho Lip Balm is even more awesome and they should return it to shelves immediately. Thank you.