While nachos are one of my favorite things to talk about, it’s not often that I get to talk on here about my OTHER favorite things. Sure, every few years I get to go off on H. P. Lovecraft during NachoProviCon, but never before have I had a chance to talk about one of my favorite actors, A Clockwork Orange star, Malcolm McDowell. Until now that is, when I coincidentally chose a nacho product he happened to be the spokesperson for. So without further ado, “Today we will be preparing Lunchables Uploaded Walking Tacos.”
You probably remember Lunchables from when as a child in the 90’s your parents didn’t care enough about you to make you a real homemade lunch and just bought you a box full of edible crap that you then traded around the cafeteria table. But like everything else in the 90’s, now that we are in the 2010’s it needs a gritty reboot, hence the EXTREEEEEEMMMMEEEEE nature of the Lunchables Uploaded Nacho Walking Taco. As a child of the 90’s and a fan of all things “EXTREEEEEEMMMMEEEEE”, I had to give these bad boys a try.
The instructions seemed easy enough, as though they were made for some sort of preteen all hopped up on hormones to construct, especially with this easy bag labeling:
Could all these things have just been combined in one bag like one of those bagged salads you find in the vegetable aisle of your grocery store? Sure, but lunchables are all about the box, which is conveniently in a nice Instagrammable shape.
#alotoffilters
So I opened my bag of chips, put in my meat and cheese and salsa and then expected to put it all back in the box before microwaving, BUT NO! You just take your open bag of food and toss it in the ol’ machine. This seems very strange to me, just having an open bag of nacho goop that could spill out all over your microwave at any second, but it didn’t, and I was pleased.
Plus, how glad am I that the meat is USDA inspected!
So how are they? Honestly, not that bad. I fully expected something that tasted more along the lines of some Taco Bell disaster, but this tasted like actual nacho products. Sure, not the highest class nachos products, the meat is definitely canned chili tasting, but better than it had any right to be for something that came unrefrigerated out of a box. However, when you compare the heaping helping the girl that Malcolm McDowell will undoubtedly be giving a few tolchoks to the gulliver to for stepping on his lines:
to what you end up with:
the difference is quite disappointing. I realize that it’s only 4.5 ounces of food, but when placed in a bag of that size the difference is quite disparaging, made even more so when you add some cilantro you may have lying around to further contrast the discrepancy.
That's right ladies, there's no mutation in my OR6A2 gene!
So after this experience the thing I still don’t get is that the whole deal with “Walking Taco” seems to be that you can eat something quick on the go. If you’re out somewhere, at say a Hot Dog stand, and get a Walking Taco there is no prep time and you can just get walking and eating. When you’re making the Lunchable version however there are roughly 4-5 spoons full of food here, which may take you as long to eat as it does to heat them in the microwave, 15 seconds. The distance that you would be able to walk before finishing your meal is at best negligible and at worst utterly pointless. Yes, Malcolm may have “found that it is best enjoyed over a vigorous and lively debate on 14th century cartography”, but that is going be a pretty short debate.
