Review: Taco Bell Nachos Party Pack

During World War One the trenches were sometimes known as “The Long Grave” due to the high mortality rate of the soldiers therein. When I saw that Taco Bell was releasing “The Long Nachos”, also known as “The Nachos Party Pack”, I wondered if the mortality results might be similar. ZING! Seriously though, my New Year’s resolution was to put my animosity with most Taco Bell nacho products behind me, but sadly that was not achieved. I tried my hardest TB, but you done me dirty. You done me dirty.

The saga began with me foolishly deciding to order said nachos off the TB app, which could be dangerously easy if you’re a taco addict. It did cause me to see that there was a sodium warning and even at their base setting these nachos had more calories than a normal person should consume in a day. Off to a good start! But what the hey, I’ll swap the beef out with steak, throw on some lettuce and onions, and boom, exactly 2000 calories. Good thing I hadn’t eaten anything else that day, and wouldn’t other than these nachos, and have an amazingly healthy diet other than nachos. When a few minutes later I received the notification that my nachos were ready I jumped in the car to get them knowing that everything was aok and no way could anything ever go wrong with this plan.

Hypertension would be the worst thing to happen to me today!

INCORRECT. I arrived to find that their TB food making machines weren’t working and apparently when the app said my food was ready that was just some completely made up bullshit. So now not only were my nachos not made, but they also couldn’t be made until everything came back online. Oh, and also the order can’t be canceled and my money can’t be refunded and the manager can’t help me or give me any advice on how to proceed. Eventually after a call to his manager it is decided that if I came back in a bit they could make it for me, so begrudgingly I say ok. Off to run some errands I go, but really the only errand I really needed to accomplish was to be filling my tum tum when some ‘chos.

Probably 45 minutes later I come back and nobody has any idea what I’m talking about with my order. Eventually the manager appears again, says it’s going to be another 45 minutes. Would you have guessed that it could possibly take an hour and a half to cook up some beans or whatever? I certainly could not, but that must be what makes Taco Bell so magical. I say fine, whatever, I’ll come back in another 45 minutes because how could anything go wrong a third time?

Again I return, and again get to deal with someone who has no idea what I’m talking about until the manager needs to be called. Again. Fortunately this time everything is ready and the nachos can be made! Do I need to tell three different people what my order was? Yes. Did something happen to the whatever printout originally had my nacho on it? Guess it must have. Eventually a cardboard coffin of nachos is placed in my hands with an apology for what a mess this whole ordeal had been and I was on my way and got home to find exactly what I had ordered ready to eat. Oh wait, no what actually happened was the box was handed to me with an attitude like this whole thing was my problem and despite telling three different people what should have been on it, it was still wrong. Cool.

They switched the ground beef for steak, so that was good, but then they entirely forgot the beans. And the lettuce. And the onions. DESPITE ME TELLING THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE THE SAME THING. Sure, adding the lettuce and onions I can see, but forgetting the beans? Gee, I can’t imagine why I could possibly have issues with Taco Bell. I waited almost 2 hours to get nachos that were barely the nachos I wanted so I guess we’re all going to have to deal with that.

Anyhow, these nachos, they’re fine. They’re literally just the Grande Nacho Box or the XXL Nachos in a long box rather than a short one. If your New Year’s resolution was to never get two orders of nachos at once you can stick it to the system by only buying one of these.Or you can go to a real restaurant and for the same amount get a much better quality order of nachos that won’t come with a sodium warning and will probably be made correctly. The choice is yours.

There may not be a problem or some bullshit every time I go into Taco Bell, but it’s enough that I always associate ol’ TB with problems. Be better Taco Bell. Also if you’re going to release some new version of nachos, stop just making it a repackaged version of one of your older nachos. Hopefully those are some New Year’s resolutions you can follow.